I also had a go at Inktober today (only 8 days late uhhh). Don't think big, these are tiny, deliberately rushed drawings but at least I feel included in something fun 

I was so anxious and angry these last few days that I might have never been when it comes to anything relating to work. How about taking on a woman's worst part of her job for no pay at all because she asked nicely? How about all of this is settled just between her and your boss, you clearly having no say in whether you will actually do this favour or not? Not just for one day: throughout the entire winter, every day! How about making literally half of this woman's pay yet getting no compensiations for anything you've ever done for these two shits?

So yeah, my head could actually explode. People around you love to consider you less of a human with no dignity or desire if you're relatively poor, and very poor compared to them. 

Oh and how about getting 14 days off the entire year? Yeaaaaah.. On a less heated but still just as dark subject matter, I've been constantly thinking about death. 

I know we all deal with the inevitable prospect of our eventual demise, but I've been thinking through my life, and I have this faint memory of my childhood 

when I had this unshakeable, gloomy feeling of utter uncanny that overshadowed me and everything else around me. I've come from a dark, empty space, I just got out of there for a little while but I'm bound to get back eventually - this is how I felt as a little child. Now I wonder could it be that that's the actual truth?

All of this was basically triggered by an article online I've stumbled upon: in it a man describes actually being dead (he genuially flatlined) as a long nap where you feel like time passes much slower than usual. No consiousness, no anything. Blank. Makes not only life meaningless but also it makes everyone and all of our effort meaningless. If you really think about it, does this mean that he actually stopped existing for a few minutes then came back to existing a little more?

How come the same person came back?

Does that mean that he didn't actually stop existing simply lost his self awareness? Because, when you die shouldn't you really stop being you for forever with no chance of reviving the same person that died?

Or is it really just all our brains, and granted it remains intact storing the same memories as before death when the body revives the same personaility is to be found attached to the same body? Is the body the personality as well? Am I really just my brain? Are we really just our bodies? I don't want us to be just our bodies but it seems to be the only logical explanation. It's the only thing that could properly explain this gentleman's experience.

With this, it is also questionable whether dying at a youg age is really so tragic or not. For an eternity you didn't exist - then you existed for a riny little while - and you stop existing for forever, for eternity. With proportions so extreme, does 4 years or 400 years even makes sense? In contrast to that infinity we would be still laughable if we could live for a century even. And it's all for null: once you're dead everything is deleted. You are really a blank painting that 

should have never been painted as the canvas will be burned after your time is up, so what was the point to paint you? Why do we even live? So that we can 

spend this time knowing soon we will be deleted? To be given just enough time to comprehend what it means "not to be"?

I don't blame anyone who believes in God, Heaven and Hell or Reincarnation: the truth seems to be unbearably insulting and cruel. So what if some people believe  in the magic man in the sky or endless lives? At the end of the day we will all face the same, unbelievably harsh and cold reality. Isn't it better if at least some of us go into it all naively thinking the demise of their bodies won't mean it's the end of their minds/souls/spirits/conciousness?

So, yeah, this is the sort of weak mental gymnastics crap I'm torturing myself when cycling back home after a long, ungrateful day surrounded by long-faced, ungrateful people.

Camouflage - How do you feel?

(Relocated, 2006)

How do you feel
My old friend
Touching the Universe?

What do you see
When you travel
Back on floating steel?

How do you feel
My old friend
Lost in the atmosphere?

What does it mean
To be seen
As just a silver stream?